Is it ‘the day when North Korea finally decides to put an end to our collective misery?’ I hear you cry (it was very faint…I’m sorry I had to lock you up in the cupboard for a bit again but it’s for your own good. Well…. technically my own good but that’s just semantics).
Oh, do behave. As enticing as that prospect is (and it grows ever more likely and more enticing by the day) you know full well I’m referring to the most capitalist of all capital lists….so you’d better watch out! Credit card debit is coming to town!
It’s the last chance that we have to look at each other and laugh in a way that isn’t maniacal. We will dimly think back on Xmas 2017 with such a warm and fuzzy feeling in our tummy tums that for a moment we’ll ignore the residual radiation sickness and put down our ramshackle spears. We’ll remember a time when it was so beautiful that we could just gorge ourselves on unpopular poultry and buy our family disposable gifts by the bucket load.
This year my 6 year old son has requested a ‘Cozmo’. This isn’t just youth slang for a popular glitzy magazine. Oh no. This is the world’s tiniest piece of plastic crap that you can program to do your bidding via something called an ‘App’. It’s guaranteed to be the first thing I would chuck on the fire once we’ve fought and won our meagre shelter this time next year.
I looked it up anyway because I have some sickly wasting disease known commonly as consumer guilt. £190. ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY POUNDS. I piddle you not.
I wanted to tell him he could go swivel but due to my aforementioned malady I merely said that ‘Santa can’t afford that’.
‘Santa can get it’ he replied several times, like a mantra.
‘No’, I insisted, ‘He can only get certain presents’.
‘Santa can get every present in the world’, he responded. His eyes gleamed blackly, like a great white.
‘F**K Santa’ I almost exclaimed.
Instead, I held my ground that ‘Santa’ could only get so many gifts and that he would have to save his Xmas and pocket money like a good little banker if he wanted to get any chance of a look in on this worrisome Skynet Tamagotchi. Then I explained all about the magic of the ‘January Sales’ which perplexed him greatly so I threw a ball a long way and watched him bound off into the distance in a thrice.
I’m firmly attempting to possibly ditch my cloak of ‘spendaholic’ as I’ve realised what a waste of time it is attempting to prop up a swiss cheese economy. My days of record buying are long behind me…. now I just give money to tax evaders so I can rent out partial Bowie back catalogues for a few weeks.
I’ve realised how difficult it has become in recent years to do the whole ‘buying presents for other people’ malarkey now that streaming is the dominant force. DVDs prop up table legs. Vinyl is stapled together to make fancy hats. I have to make a concerted effort to be thoughtful.
So as it ‘tis the season I’ve decided to foist a free festive Rashamon single on the world once again. You can thank me when I’ve finished writing / recording it. Or perhaps even if I fail to complete it.
But as I also need to raise some money to buy radiation sickness pills and shotguns I will also be foisting something else on you all early next year which you can purchase if you feel so inclined.
Mythomania.
In print. Finally. Oh yes….
Have a wonderful holiday. I love you all (especially you)!