Well I just thought I'd check in once more just to see how you're all doing. Good, you haven't quite turned into a seething mass of petulant rage just yet. I'll give it a couple more weeks.
By then we'll know if we've unhitched our wagon from the continent and attempted to sail off into the sunset (I really want to see a ton of people pushing at the White Cliffs on the 24th if that's the case with the bloated corpse of Dame Vera Lynn egging us on....why we didn't think of that scheme in 1939 is beyond me). And of course you'll want to know where I'm waving my flag from? Erm....I seem to have misplaced it currently. I know I shoved it somewhere....can't quite remember where. On an unrelated note...didn't the Queen look rather uncomfortable during her birthday celebrations?
To be honest, I've been struggling for a bit. I hate being asked which villainous side of the Conservatives to vote for. It seems like a trick question. Come on mate...are you voting for the cunt or the right cunt? Please don't pressure me! I need the help of an expert. What do you mean 'I can't trust experts'? Okay...I'll cancel the electrician and do it myself.
Personally speaking, I hadn't given the EU much thought before. It's something that's been there since I was about 2 and nobody asked my opinion at the time. I mean...who's ever going to want the opinion of a screaming baby intent on just throwing their toys out of the pram?
But now I've been told to. By UKIP. Who I didn't vote for. Because it was a popular consideration. Which is why they gained so many votes. Actually, why the hell is that nut butt Farage back on my screen anyway? A man so obviously villainous that if he appeared in a Panto you'd hear such loud booing you'd be forgiven for thinking the ghost of Godzilla had turned up.
But he's got new pals on his side. Michael Gove - A man you wouldn't trust to look after your house plant for fear it would be scarred for life. IDS - A man who only joined the Conservatives because he found out the Galactic Empire was fictitious.
And then there's Boris. Cuddly, wuddly, 'man of the people' Alexander Boris de Pffefel Johnson. A man you can trust to meet seriously with heads of state for approx 5 minutes before he does a whoopsie on the carpet.
And they're all telling me the same thing. We're better out of the EU with their faceless 55,000 bureaucrats. Let's stay here with our 263,000 ones.
(In fairness, I don't have a problem with faceless bureaucrats. Why do I need to see their faces if they're fucking me up the arse?)
And of course...the big issue....IMMIGRATION. If you intone it slowly enough it sounds like the evil Mummy. And that would be a bad thing. I don't want the Mummy in this country with his plague of locusts. Oh, you don't mean the Mummy...you mean people. Well, I like people on the whole. Not these people? Why ever not? They're coming to steal my what? My Englishness? Well, I think the Queens got that. They want to....what? Live here!!!!???? Jeez no.....that's just unacceptable. Why would anyone want to purposefully come and live here? They like what? Mumford & Sons? GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY.
So after much deliberation and consideration which I had to go and do on the Internet IN MY OWN TIME WHILST DOING A JOB AND RAISING A KID AND SORTING OUT A BLOODY EXTENSION ON MY HOUSE. NONE OF WHICH I WAS EXPECTING TO BE DOING EVER.
I also had to do it with my fingers in my ears so I couldn't hear Farage (rhymes with toss bucket) wittering on about how he's only 'a liddle bit wacist' and doesn't understand why all the big boys are always picking on him. Then I keep accidentally clicking on stuff about Lego and Marvel for some reason. And then my PS4 blew up. And then I developed anxiety....BUT DESPITE ALL THIS.....
Easy decision really after all that. I didn't vote UKIP. I will never vote UKIP. There could be 20 billion refugees in this country and so crowded that my face is pressed up against the glass of my telly. And Farage (rhymes with dickpop) will probably be shaking his head at me. But I still win.